Without delving too much into the details, the last few months have been a little rough. My heart basically got an ass kicking that I never expected. At twenty five years old, I’ve never had the crap kicked out of me before (physically or emotionally), and I was at a loss. I didn’t know what to do with that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach coupled with the tightness in my chest. The things that used to come so easy to me during times of stress, frustration, or upset – eating, sleeping, shopping, and cleaning – were suddenly extremely difficult to do…. While I was strong/stubborn enough to not shrivel up in a corner, I felt completely disabled…
For a long while after, I wondered when I would feel “normal” again. When would I stop wanting to curl up in bed so I could fearlessly and happily face the rest of the world? When would I smile the way I used to? When would I eat, shop, sleep the way that I used to? I didn’t know how to be that version of myself anymore…And yet, life doesn’t stop just because your world has been shaken; so I kept moving because I had to.
But I found that as much as the pain can incapacitate a person, it can also educate. And boy, did I get a schooling. Hah
I feel like… the lessons I’ve learned from my heart’s obliteration almost makes up for the obliteration itself and the aftermath that resulted… I’ve discovered more about myself (like my capabilities, my strength, my resilience, my dreams, my character) these past few months than I have in the span of several years, and after so many years of never knowing where or how I fit in anywhere, I know now that it’s not about fitting in with anyone or anywhere else in the world; it’s about knowing who I am and being as true to myself as I can: no matter where, when or who with (with whom?).
I also know that for the first time, my heart experienced true pain because it also experienced true joy, and though I can’t imagine going through it again and am terrified of even putting myself anywhere near that kind of position from now on (I suppose that is a reasonable side effect from all this), I know the joy was worth all the pain and maybe someday, when (if) I'm ready, I'll feel that kind of joy again (and hopefully be cautious yet unafraid of the possible pain)...
Something to note: Amazingly, through all this, I am quite glad my sense of humor has remained relatively unscathed. I don’t know what I would have done if I couldn’t laugh at all about the situation I found myself in. Laughter had a lot to do with my survival. It was a short vacation; the temporary relief from the hurt. It healed me as much as (if not more than) the tears I cried and continues to do so.
Something else that resonates in me more every day is how lucky I am. I’ve been blessed with a great sense of humor, but also people to laugh with. I read somewhere once that the Bible says, “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart.” If that weren’t true, I wouldn’t have had people to hug me, to listen, to cry with, to just be with, and most of all, to laugh with in all my times of need. I'm being provided for. I don’t know how I got to be so lucky to have such silly family and friends that can make me laugh no matter the distance; even through tears and the pain; even after so much time apart…
A friend of a friend has said before that though it's a new year, the world is still the same. The problems are still there, nothing has really changed… but as he also pointed out, worlds change when people change, and Lord knows I’ve changed. I don’t know if it’s the new year or not… and I’ve said this before, but keep finding more and more that it rings true: it does feel different… maybe because I woke up one day and found that I was different. And somehow seemingly suddenly, the world is full of hope and promise again.
At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. ~Jean Houston
Laughing has never felt so good.
No comments:
Post a Comment