Thursday, July 15, 2010

Day 196: It's alright that's where you're supposed to be now...

Late one Tuesday night, almost one full year ago, someone slipped a bracelet on me. It had meant a lot to him when he had worn it, so that he was giving it to me signified a lot of importance. He had asked that I make one simple promise: to never take it off.

I was honored. In my wide eyed innocence, I had agreed to his terms whole heartedly, sealing it with a kiss. It was in that moment, I had not only given him my word, but my heart.

There was complete and utter joy in the days and weeks that followed. He had changed my life. The world was brighter because he was in it. My heart was full, and for the first time in my life, I could not have asked for anything more. There was nowhere and no one else I wanted to be but where I was and who I was. Absolute contentment. I never wanted it to end, and I had thought it never would.

Except all things in life end. Including life. It's sad, but true.

Nothing huge happened to make it end. A phone call came, and that was it. With one single phone call, my heart broke and my world changed. Again.

All the promises he had made had been broken when that phone call ended.

If you've been reading my stuff since I started this whole thing, you'll know that this is the ass kicking my heart got. But if this is the first time you're coming across my words, then... well, I don't know what to tell you except that despite the beating I took, I can't help but be thankful for all of it. The joy, the pain, the mess that followed. It's all life. And you can't say I haven't lived it...


About the bracelet. Despite the phone call that ended it all, as the days and months passed, I couldn't bring myself to break my promise and take it off. I kept it on just like I promised him. At first, it was because I remembered how important it had been to him that I keep it on. I couldn't bring myself to disappoint him, even if he would never know, nor would he care even if he did know... I kept it on for him. But as the days and weeks and months passed, it stopped being about him or about us. The stronger I got, the more it became about me. I kept it on to remind myself of who I used to be and that I was still the kind of person who kept her word, even if those around me couldn't do the same, whatever their reason was....

But I feel that I don't need a reminder any more. I know who I am. I remember who I was. And I don't need to keep an old promise to prove it anymore.

I took the bracelet off for the very first time today. I'll probably put it back on because I think it's cool and it looks good on me, but I'm no longer dominated by it. The decision can't come at a more perfect time, since I have a performance on Saturday and want to wear glass bangles on both wrists. :)

It's so funny, I thought that I would wait until a more significant date would come. I thought that the day I decided to do this would be huge, full of pomp and circumstance. But just like the changes that have gone through, it's happened quietly, on a random day, for no real reason except that I am finally ready to take it off.

It almost feels like I've taken off a chain; as if I'm finally free...

While my past has made up a good part of who I'm turning out to be, as the days go by, I don't feel mired in it as I used to be. It's shaped who I am, but doesn't hold me back. I always believed you have to know where you've been to know where you are and where you are going. But you can't step forward if your foot (or any part of yourself) is firmly planted in the past...

Today's a nice night for a walk...

1 comment:

  1. Welcome to the rest of your life. That looks like it must have been a pretty huge step to take.
    As scary as it is sometimes to admit to yourself that you have to take it, we all know that it has to be done.

    I'm proud of you~