Monday, January 16, 2012

Day 16: You know it's a rough day...

...when you're listening to Kelly Clarkson on Pandora and identifying with Ne-Yo as he's singing sad love songs. lol

I don't think I've been this wallow-y since... maybe that one time way back when I got my heart broken and didn't think it could ever get fixed. So dramatic. lol

I think it's been a while since I've been contemplative on this. Probably because I haven't needed to be. I got luckier than I ever expected, meeting the man I did, falling in love, and now on the verge of getting to move and spend the rest of my life starting and ending my days with him....

But old habits die hard. I still think too much. I still am overly sensitive about stupid shit. I still worry that the other shoe will drop.

Growing up, I used to always ask those in love, "But how do you know?" They all always said the same thing: "You just do." I didn't get it until I did. You just know.

The road to "just knowing" wasn't easy. It was fraught with incompatibility, heartache, tears, and 30 lbs of weight gain and subsequent weight loss.

You know what was easy? After finally getting to the "you just know," part, and just knowing, how easily the word "yes" fell off my lips when asked to spend the rest of my life with just this one person. It was a snap.

Saying "yes," was the easy part.

Getting to "I do"? Not so easy.

You see, when you decide to have a wedding (different from a marriage), all these outside things start trying to push their way into your two person bubble.

Some of it is awesome, like when people hear your love story and tell you cool things like, "you sickos make me believe in love again," or getting to try on pretty dresses and deciding which one will be most likely to make your future husband make his ugly cry face as he's watching you walk toward you.

But some of it messes up your two person bubble. People's (however well intentioned) differing opinions; the "Wedding Industry" and all the random expectations it holds; the financial greatness of it all....

Unless you're eloping or really really self-assertive and unbending, weddings are never entirely or exclusively for the two people getting married.

Suddenly, you're trying to make everyone happy. But you can't. And you wonder if the decisions you're making are the best ones. Worst of all is when you wake up and suddenly have to wonder if the decisions you're making and the ones you've made are making your partner happy. Because that's the part that matters.

It's so hard not to second guess. It's even worse if you're a born overthinker AND a Psych major. And it's the absolute worst if your past is impeding on how you are perceiving your present....

This probably doesn't make sense, all of this. Sigh.

Saying "yes," was just so easy. It was a very large and important decision that came so easy and with no regrets.

The obstacles that follow are what is difficult. Especially when I'm pitting myself against...myself. lol

The key to winning?

Remembering that saying "yes," was just so easy and "just knowing" exactly why.

And maybe listening to Ne-Yo sing sad love songs so you can laugh at how overly dramatic you are.

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